He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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