I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
