I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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