I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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