Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
birth control should be required to get into college
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
