My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
