The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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