I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
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