Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
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