I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
