I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
