Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Randomize
