i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
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