hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
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