I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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