got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Randomize
