I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize
