No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
