i think i have two assholes
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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