I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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