she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
