he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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