WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Randomize
