Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
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