I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
