I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Randomize
