I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
