Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
I did not marry a roomba.
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