Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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