is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
