I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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