I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I just had sex on a roof
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
