Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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