I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Two words: nipple clamps
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