why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
