she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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