I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
