I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
