remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Randomize
