We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
