you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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