Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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