dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
