so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
