They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
