You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
