Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
