I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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