Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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