i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
